Lack of mobility – it was a while between when my car died and I got a new one, and my chronic nausea turns into debilitating motion sickness when I am not driving. Ride shares have to be limited based on how long the trip will be, and even then, I carry saltines, water, and hard candy with me.
OK, that’s only partly true.
I didn’t really want to see any doctors after my surgeries last year, so after I cancelled a few that were scheduled during the short recovery period, I just never bothered to reschedule.
Essentially, I used surgery as an excuse to cancel reasons to leave my apartment.
I’ve noticed, since COVID, and aside from my depression, I put off errands, consolidate trips, or find reasons to stay home from events I planned to attend (mostly for networking reasons).
My initial thought is that withdrawing into my apartment – my safe place, where I don’t allow anyone inside – is baaaad. The times I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I have been fairly consistently on the line between introvert and extravert, although I recharge my mental batteries more on my own than in a group. That’s why I have always been fine driving everyone home after a night out, even when it meant driving dozens of miles out of my way.
That doesn’t mean I don’t need the interaction of more extraverted activity – the lack is definitely a symptom of my depression.
But I don’t feel as depressed as I did before getting treatment. Does allowing my introvert side to consume my extravert side mean I am changing?
Or is it just that my extraverted needs are changing?
I still see friends and loved ones. Occasionally. But my work requires several hours a week interacting with people on phone calls and in virtual meetings. I’ve also been talking on the phone with friends more often than I did before.
That’s something, right? Can virtual or electronic social contact take the place of in-person interaction?
That doesn’t sound right.
As usual, I feel like the different parts of myself are in conflict on this – I am nothing if not one giant contradiction. My physical self is happier in my apartment, where I can hide deep in my comfort zone. My psychological selves are happier with higher levels of interaction, where I can alleviate my stress by commiserating with friends or distracting myself with other people’s issues or interests. My emotional self is caught somewhere in between. If that’s true, I take care of myself by nurturing both.
It sounds like the majority of my extraverted needs can be satisfied without in-person communication. Maybe.
I do love an in-person networking meeting over lunch or coffee. And there is still nothing quite as supportive as a hug. (Which is odd because there was a time when I did not like being touched because of all the things that are physically wrong with me. I had to teach myself to allow hugs.)
Where is my happy medium?
Could I start with something laughably small, like my two-minutes-at-a-time exercise habit plan ? But going somewhere for two minutes isn’t productive.
I am going to start with going to my doctors’ appointments. Not that I expect hugs from them. But I think I will be able to build from there.